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| Volume 7, Issue 9, September 2008 |
| Breaking news: Jesus Christ endorses Jay Love for Congress |
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| Staff MONTGOMERY, Ala. – Jesus Christ is endorsing Representative Jay Love in the race for Alabama’s second congressional seat. In a message through his spokesman, who goes only by “Gabriel,” Christ said that he was endorsing Love over Bright because Love attends the early service at Montgomery’s First Baptist Church. “If Mayor Bright can’t worship Jesus before 10 am, he’s not fit for a national leadership position which requires congressmen to work hard taking trips, shaking hands, kissing babies and taking entire months off,” said Gabriel. So far, the Bright campaign’s only response was, “Wait until he takes a ride on the new riverboat.” The Love campaign was quick to extend gratitude and express thanks, with Love saying, “This proves once and for all that using titles like ‘Conservative’ and ‘Christian’ can help win an election in the South, even if you don’t know what those words mean!” Love added, “By the way, I don’t know if you’ve seen the ads or not, but we have $5 foot long sandwiches at all of my Subway locations. Just throwin’ that out there.” Further investigation by Capital City Free Press staff has uncovered another dimension to this endorsement. Sources close to Christ, who wish to remain anonymous, have said this endorsement was part of a bigger attempt to round up the worst politicians in Alabama who are using and abusing Christ’s name, and drag them all to Washington, D.C. to help save the state from going any further backwards. “If Bright wins this election, it will throw a wrench into this plan,” said the source. More updates will be made available as they come in. |
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