Ask Dr. Bumdinkle: (On partner's baggage)

Volume 7, Issue 8, August 2008

(Your response goes here.)

Write a letter to the editor: Holler@capcityfreepress.com Just include your full name, and city/county, state and/or country from which you are writing. (Your email address will NOT be posted with your letter.)

Editor's note: The following article was originally published in the November 2005 edition of the Capital City Free Press.

Dr. Bumdinkle:

After having no luck with dating over the past several years, I've met a man who really meets all of my expectations. We've been together for a few months, and I can honestly say that this is the best relationship I've had in a long time. My only reservation is that my boyfriend can't seem to let go of his last relationship. He often mentions her and even gets moody about her. They stay in touch, and this often only leads to him becoming even more upset.

Is there some way I can help him with this? Not only does it make me feel uncomfortable, but it is causing a lot of unnecessary drama in our relationship.

Sincerely,
Bothered by the Baggage

Dear Bothered,

I hate to sound cliché, but there's a reason Delta limits the amount of carry-on baggage you can take with you on any flight, foreign or domestic. Simply put, if the jet is weighted down with too much baggage, then (pardon my vernacular) it ain't goin' nowhere.

Not to sound unsympathetic, because everyone retains some degree of remorse, guilt, suspicion or hurt feelings from a previous romantic relationship, but it is an insult and detrimental to the next relationship for him or her to insist on bringing that baggage to you and dumping it all on your living room floor. Being forthcoming about past relationships is noble and fosters honesty and understanding among two partners, but continually behaving and reacting in your present relationship based on a past relationship is unfair to your partner, will only damage the relationship, and quite frankly, no one wants to hear your damn whining anyway.

Like it or not, the inability to put a past relationship behind is a clear indication of a lack of maturity on your partner's part. If your boyfriend allows himself to be haunted by his last girlfriend that is his prerogative, but she should not be forced on you as well. The old saying is true, three's a crowd.

-Dr. Bumdinkle

Have a question or need some advice? Write to Dr. Bumdinkle at Drbumdinkle[at]yahoo.com.